How do you express or explain forty one years worth of life and experience, lessons learned, mistakes, heartaches, trials and dreams in a single screen filled with words no matter how well chosen and true those words may be? I don’t know but why don’t we give it a whirl, hum?
My dance with The Universe on floor of life began at birth. We were perfect partners from the beginning. Where I would falter, it would lift and carry without ever missing a beat. Looking back, the music never stopped and the dance never wavered. It was all done in perfect synchronicity and we flowed quite masterfully.
I was born in El Salvador in a very small country town that was more like a pueblo than a town. My lifestyle resembles those of a much older generation in that we walked everywhere and technology as we know it today just didn’t exist. Transportation was our legs and feet when riding a horse was simply not an option. One small black and white tv with very limited channels that would only start at a certain time decorated our simple home. Everything was done by hand and took precious time to do so.
I was born to a family of modest means but somehow they made it look like plenty. I had two brothers and one sister. I was the eldest so my responsibilities were many. A great deal of those responsibilities included looking after and taking care of my mentally disabled sister who was born premature, diagnosed with epilepsy and mental retardation. If I ever had a childhood filled with innocence and a sense of safety I don’t remember it. My childhood memories are filled with violence, isolation, sadness and a sense of not belonging. At a very young age I sought refuge within religion. I gravitated towards spirituality quite naturally in a desperate attempt to make sense of the chaos around me. My country was at war with itself and so was my family. As the eldest I took the brunt of the abuse that was handed to me with little to no protection from those around me. I was also a rather sickly child. I should by no means be alive now given the circumstances of my life or my health. But like I’ve said, The Universe had all ready made plans for a longer dance with me and bowing out was simply not an option. Not to say that I didn’t try. There were plenty of emergency visits to the local hospital due to Asthma and difficulty breathing. When I could not walk there on my own, I was carried. Whether it was being thrown from a horse, chased by a drunken father throwing rocks, beaten into submission or just plain sick, I always managed to land just right and get back up again.
My saving grace was my religion and a loving aunt. Together, they got me through my loneliness and sadness.
When your reality is full of violence, your dreams reflect them. For as long as I can remember my dreams were disturbing to say the least. I could not sleep without waking up terrified of what I saw and experienced. One particular dream comes to mind. I was standing outside in what appeared to be nighttime when the earth started to open into great wide chasms. Earthquakes shook the ground I stood on. I looked up and saw fire raining down upon my surroundings. I was shaking, so incredibly terrified by what I was witnessing. I could not move even though I wanted to run out of there screaming. I could make no sound. I just stood there watching the whole event unfold.
Many were my nightmares in and out of sleep. I didn’t understand the degree of such violence and horrors that I witnessed. From a very early age I noticed how cruel human beings could be to one another. I distinctly noticed how adults would treat the children and that would bother me to no end. I swore that when I would grow up, I would never forget what it was like to be a kid. I always wanted to stay a child at heart and never treat others as I had seen in my childhood. It didn’t seem right to me. I just wanted to go back to heaven, go home where this stuff just didn’t happen.
I watched so much with a sense of detachment and wondered why they couldn’t see it. My childhood taught me empathy and I would often reach out in my limited, small way to others that seem to have it worst than me. If there were someone in need of love, attention or company, there you would find me offering what I had to give so that they would smile even for a little while. I knew I could not solve their problems or make them go away but I could give my company and listen to what they had to say.
Somehow, I was always the youngest in the group. I always brought out the protective side in people and that made me feel loved. I was fascinated by this aspect in my life. Perhaps it was the frail looking child that brought it out, or perhaps it was my age and size. Small, young and trusting was a pretty fitting description of me.
I never had a “childhood”. I was born an adult with adult trials and issues right from the very start. My guess is that I had experienced many childhoods in my previous lives that it just wasn’t necessary to have one on this one. Perhaps I don’t like redundancy:) My family like my country was chaotic and violent in nature. I learned to look inside myself to escape the surrounding storm that would continuously try to overtake me. I would get lost inside my daydreams and my heart. My imagination a constant partner in manifesting my deepest desires and longings.
So I grew up being a constant source of love and joy for others even when I couldn’t grab and hold on to them for my own personal use and growth. I was always seeking and trying to find answers and fulfillment outside myself wondering what was out there that would finally allow me to fill complete and full. Helping others, sacrificing for others, loving others, accepting others, being non-judgmental of others, everything I could do for others and to others was just not enough to fill the yearning of my heart. I enjoyed being alone more than being with others although I did enjoy other people’s company when I was thrown into the mix. I was a regular chameleon completely adaptable and able to change myself into whatever was required of me yet always true to my inner nature. The isolation of being me and being alone would get to be too much at times and I would often find refuge and release within tears .
Add to this the fact that I was very much a insomniac from birth and life as you can guess can get pretty hairy, confusing and tiring. Exhaustion seem to accompany me on a daily basis. I would go days and weeks without adequate amounts of sleep and then I would just crash and sleep all the time. There was no rhyme or reason to what I was experiencing. It just was and I accepted it as my lot in life. I would long for relief and death—return to what I knew was more than this but had no real definition as to what “more than this” was. I often wondered why I just couldn’t just die! I had too much reverence and respect for life to ever take my own. In my humble opinion Life was a gift to be appreciated, respected and honored no matter what shape and form it took. So even though, I wanted death to hurry up and take me, I myself never went actively searching for it. However I knew that at the slightest invitation to come from it, I would not just walk towards it but run with open arms and a joyful heart towards the warm embrace that so lovingly awaited me. Death never scared me. People, however did. They could be cruel and hurt and kill without ever thinking about their actions and consequences. Throughout my path, my heart was always protected in such a way as to maintain its innocence and child like manner but I can’t really tell you how it was done. It just was. I have always maintained that my heart is and has always been the best of me despite my life and trials or perhaps it should be said that it was because of my life and trials that my heart was always open and ready to trust. Never did it loose its way or allow me to loose mine. Even the so called mistakes were nothing but lessons in growing and personal strength. I stand here today because of my empathy for others and my incredible journey into self discovery. Every step and heartache I have experienced has brought me closer to myself, my true divine and infinite self. In learning to serve others and sacrificing who I was for the happiness of others I eventually found the greatest love I could have ever hoped to find—love of self. I found home within me. That ever eluding feeling of coming back home was never an outside place somewhere in the Cosmos of Creation. It was always within me. I was home. I was creation. I was all and one. I was complete within myself. I was whole. Romance and emotion only take you so far. Intellect is empty and meaningless without wisdom to give it clarity. Wisdom arises from experience through the heart. The heart learns through experience and the ability to empathize with others as yourself. Seeing others in you and you in others is the beginning of self healing and healing of our human aspects. We are all Humanity. There is no you and me or separation of self. There is only here and now and us as one single entity. When we can embrace all aspects of ourselves in such a simple and expanded form we will finally move beyond this primitive need to control and be controlled by our very creations that serve no one except its own destruction. The event we all look forwards to is not one great Big Revolution of People and government but of self. Find yourself first. Discover you first. See you first. Forgive you first. Heal you first. Love you first Unconditionally and most thoroughly first. This is the great change Humanity has been waiting for and longs for. The return to Godhood is our Divine Right and Heritage long forgotten. It is time to remember who we are. We are Master Creators and we have the power to create now Not when we “die” or “Ascend” into “other realms, levels, planes, timelines or constructs”. The time is now. The time is now to be and embrace who we really are. Mother Earth provides us with a canvas to paint with all the colors of our divine pallet. Each and everyone of us holds a brush unique unto ourselves and we have the power to create an elaborate master piece unequal in all Creation. Who we are, we have never been and existed in all Creation. We are brand new. We are the way showers for those that will come after us. Wayshowers light the way and the path for others so that their path may be smooth and comfortable. We map, invent, make our way and manifest what has not been there before so that others can follow. Wayshowers do not follow others footsteps. We make our own footsteps following our own Divine wisdom and loving hearts. We may have guides that but they can only take you so far. They can only show you and share with you what they know. They may assist in many ways and council us in what paths they have all ready taken but they can not see what has yet to be created by us. How can they? If the Creation we are working on has all ready existed than what the hell are we doing here re-creating what is all ready there??? Creation is not Redundant. It creates over and over again trying to find balance and harmony within itself over and over again. Each version of creation is more harmonious and balanced than the last—each one new and Divine and Unique in its own right. None are the same. Again I say, what we are we have never been. Many will come forth with pretty pictures and presentations of what has worked for them. Only we as One in Humanity can choose and know what is right for us. We have lived this experience and manifested all that is around us. While others are more than free to “Come and See” and to a certain extent “experience” who we are, the fact remains that it is us now and only us that create that which we know to be true and right for us. We are not here to copy another’s reality or experience something we have all ready created. We are expanding, manifesting and creating as we go along the void that has to be filled in the infinite of Creation. Our Higher Selves know this and they have come to assist us but by all means not to do it for us. If they could, they would all ready have done so within their own creations and we would not be here now. Our Higher Selves are now merging into us so that we may have the heart and wisdom to know that we are now them—Creators in the making NOW! Shocked at such revelation? Confused perhaps and dumb funded? Oh yes….Welcome to Ascension. Do you still want to create and be now in this world and reality? If you can’t handle the responsibility at this level of being who you are than how are you going to handle the higher levels where everything is much more intense and fast and grand? Ascension is not escape from who you are. It is the embrace of Everything that you are and have always been and bringing it into final alignment, harmony and balance. Die and submit all your personal beliefs to the void and create the new that you have been yearning for. I know you are thinking that there is no way to do this….we don’t know anything, remember even less! We are fallible creatures! Have we not proven this over and over again throughout our past and even now in our present? So I ask you this: Do we not have the power to learn and make better choices than what we know our past to be? Creators create from the heart—outside of thought. Step outside your mind and trust your heart to create what is beautiful and right. If we see ourselves as fragmented beings living separate experiences in separate lives we will fail miserably at this. The Title of Creators will not be ours and we will strip ourselves accordingly. What can not find balance and harmony within itself, simply continues to morph and change and eventually destroy itself into what can. Our Higher Selves are merging with us so that we may in turn Create and achieve what they have not. Their wisdom and Love live within us. Do not throw such beautiful gift of Love away. See it for the expectacular gift that it is. Reclaim your truth and know it and see it for what it truly is. You choose. They give us the choice: Step up to the plate, Ascend and become Creators right here right now (the time is now) or go back and do the reincarnation cycle all over again until you feel ready to do so. There is no judgement as this is beyond what we thought possible and wayyyyy beyond what the mind can comprehend. That is why we create through the heart Not the mind. Ladies and gentleman, Disclosure is here at last. I hope you have followed your own advise and anchored yourself stedfast to your inner being and heart because this was not easy to hear or accept. But don’t take my word for it. Follow your heart, call your guides, speak to your Higher Selves, seek your own inner truth and see Disclosure for what it truly is. It is you. It is us. It is me. It has always been and it will always be. It is Now. Somethings simply are. We are not alone in this. We will have help just as we have always had help but waking up is more than seeing the drama that is being played out in our televisions—it is about waking up to our inner calling and truth. My heart breaks and rejoices with you at the amount of turmoil this information will bring to you but it just is. Accept or reject—it is your divine and proper right to do so. I have chosen and accepted my invitation. I don’t know what to expect, all expectations died when I died to my old self. What I am now I have never been before and I look forward to my adventure. It is going to be grand and awesome and beautiful and beyond anything I can possibly conceive right now. I choose me. I choose to be what I came here to be. I have all ready chosen and taken that dive into the unknown letting my heart lead the way and by simply being in the moment and trusting myself to know that I would not be here knowing what I know, experienced what I have experienced to just die of fright and insecurity at the very thought of embracing my inner self. I choose me. I open for Me—the full and complete harmonious and balanced me. Me chooses Uncondtional Pure Love in harmony with The Universe and Creations. Me chooses heart over mind. Me chooses to balance all that I have ever been and ever will be into Oneness and All of heart. The choice has now been presented to you…Choose wisely but know that whatever you choose is right for you.